Without a thought...

I cannot be ruled by fear.
Fear disables the mind.
I will let my fear pass through me,
and when it is gone,
only I will remain.

I must not be drawn into anger.
Anger cripples the heart.
I will let my anger pass through me,
and when it is gone,
only I will remain.

I will not despair.
Despair destroys the soul.
I will let my despair pass through me,
and when it is gone,
only I will remain.

Been a long time

Well, it's been a very long time since I've done ANYthing on this blog. Too much maintenance, you know? But I thought I'd fill in anybody who's still (for some reason) checking this blog now and then. Afterall, I thought it was cruel to continually leave everybody's desire to know what's going on in my life unrequited.

So I have a new job now. I work for the City/County of Denver as an Eligibility Technician for Food Stamps. Not the most glamorous job, and it's filled with hungry, angry people, but it pays the mortgage. I'm a little nervous, though, because I've come into this job when Denver is on the verge of being sanctioned by the federal government for not getting things done quick enough. If Denver is sactioned, that means federal funding is cut. I don't know if it's completely or only partially, but I do know that the last time Denver County laid people off was when they were sanctioned in 2004. The sanction wouldn't take effect until June 2009, so I'm working on doing my job as well as possible. I'm told they select people to lay off based on their seniority and their error rate with their work, so I'm trying to keep my error rate low. It's actually pretty easy, since one can tell that Denver County has lowered its standards to the point that many of the workers coming into the county are bottom-of-the-barrel people. There's just too high of a turnover rate with the county, so the county is to the point where they just want people to fill the vacancies. Therefore, they're lowering their standards in order to get workers. Denver County is going into a downward spiral, and I'm hoping I'm not flushed down the lou with it.

Besides that, I'm still working part time at the hospital, meaning I'm working 6 1/2 days a week. I work Mon-Fri at Denver County, then I'm on call Sat. morning at the hospital, I work an evening shift every Sat. at the hospital, and I'm on call every Sun. morning too. Busy busy busy. And of course, it's spring, meaning yard work, lawn care, etc. at our house. So really I don't have a day off at all. So, needless to say, I'm pretty tired all the time.

Anway, Haven is now 2, and the brat factor is increasing accordingly, but what can you do? Amy's due date for #2 is June 21st, so we're making preparations for baby. Another girl, by the way, for those who didn't know. I'm going to be floundering in a sea of estrogen pretty soon. It's fun though. Haven gets all excited about the new baby, so I'm hoping the jealousy period is short and she's able to go right into being a big sister.

So that's pretty much all that's new. We are now an official blue-collar family with a mortgage. Yay. Hope everybody else is doing well, and I'll try to keep up with updates.

A Soul, A Quarter

Tiny pilgrims wandering,
Blending with sunlight;
The light never pure or blemishless.
The population stirs
Within the attic,
More travelers in the sunbeam,
Reaching for elusive heaven.
Little they know of boxes
Or memories, or that
One contains the other
Here in their musty society.
So I throw wide the gates
To one such city
Of faded memories lying
Categorized in plastic...

The prisoners freed encircle
My head, pleading for
An open window or door.
But I am merciless, and
Wave them off;
Offsetting many from
The Road to Heaven.
I search inside their
Stagnant homes, and
Memories yield to me a
Yellowed Jesus Christ.
I lift him up to me,
Eye to eyes, and
See again the weight of
Sacrifice.

The tears he shed are old
And rusty, the plumbing
Left untouched too long.
The blood has dried on
Head and hands,
A pile of scabs replacing
The Cup of Life.

Next I find a broken Buddha,
A tired old man, still
Sitting in supplication.
His face still holds the
Smile of serenity, but
Its lines are tight and
Simply tired.
The Eye has dimmed,
And the Light has faded.
He says, "Form is..."
But his Lotus falters.

The dusty pilgrims settle on
Each their brows, claiming my
Jesus Christ and broken Buddha
As memory's possession.
But my sweaty hands clung tightly
To each, washing them of
Each inhabitant of
The Road to Heaven.
I abandoned that world of age
And memories long gone,
Leaving the gates to the city
Still open.
The prisoners freed began to
Settle there, repopulating the
Memories I stirred.

Back among the changing present,
I gently cleansed my
Broken Buddha.
I washed the tears from
Jesus' face, and removed the scabs
Hindering his flowing blood.
The two I set upon my shelf,
Hand in hand and
Mingling there.
Sacrifice and Serenity pooled
And blended, blood and
Smile fading together.

A man came by and
Said to me, "I'll buy them from you
For a half a dollar."
I asked the man, "Is that all they're worth,
My Jesus and Buddha?
What is the market today?"
He grinned and replied,
"A half a dollar is quite the steal.
A soul today is worth a quarter.
If I were you, I'd skip the haggling.
No man will give you more than this.
A Jesus Christ and broken Buddha
Are all too common to be worth too much.
Take it from me."

Turning away, he shrugged and left.
I watched him go, then shut the door.
Then I traveled back up the stairs,
And entered again the Musty Past.
There I deposited once again,
My Jesus Christ and broken Buddha.
Tiny pilgrims protested again above my head,
Then attacked me, and so I sneezed.
The gates to the city were open still,
And I made to leave when
I heard again:
"Form is no form, and
No form is only dreams.
Do it, maybe, in rememberance of me."
I said, "I'm sorry, but I have things to do.
I'll take you out someday,
When you're both worth more."

Zen quote of the day:
"To know what you know and to know what you don't know, that is real wisdom."
~ Confucius

Fall's Beginning

It is about 12:30 PM on a chilly Friday morning. The sky overhead is weighed down with Michigan-reminiscent clouds; grey, dimensionless, and empty. The temperature is around 60 F, but feels cooler with the environment's overwhelming influence. Haven is asleep in her swing, rocking gently to the sounds of a summer ocean (a pretty passable imitation for a Fisher-Price product), and I'm sitting in the quiet living room, creating my own percussion line to the sounds of my favorite classical guitar piece via the keyboard. Hard to keep in rhythm, though.

I have about 15 minutes before I should hop in the shower and begin getting ready for work, but the view outside my heavily stained windows made me pause. Autumn for me has frequently been filled with melancholy, the weather along with other things commonly making it difficult for me to keep that bounce in my step that keeps the time passing at an acceptable rate. I try my hardest to remember the things that have made Autumn into this SAD nightmare, but I come up empty. I have often found that my emotional memory is much more keen than my cognitive memory; places, scents and sounds invoking more of a feeling than a thought or memory. It's usually very frustrating to me, since I end up feeling sad, or feeling angry, or feeling soft joy while having no idea what originally made me feel that way.

My other problem is that the stimulus is never obvious. I only catch it sometimes, and only subtley. The scent of apples stirs a feeling, the sound of the breeze weaving through fallen and drifting leaves, the sight of tiny droplets of rain splattering downward on my window. I end up confused, since they only stir an emotion, and no movietime memory to accompany it.

In the present, I am in a completely new and different situation in life. I have a beautiful wife/fiancee/girlfriend (she doesn't want to be called 'wife' until we're married or 'fiancee' until I get the ring onto her finger, even though we have a common-law marriage and a ring is already picked out), a wonderful daughter, our own home, a job, insurance, and numerous financial burdens that help keep me cognitively in the present and on my toes. I thought that this new situation might dispel the evasive memories from my past, but I find they haven't. I wonder if Autumn will always be ruined for me, even though, in the end, I know it doesn't truly matter.

It's odd, though. Amy really enjoys Autumn, and she gets excited when it begins to get cold, when the days shorten and the wind stiffens. On Sunday, Amy would like us to take Haven apple-picking at an orchard near us. We did something like that last year, and it sounds like fun. I find, however, it takes some effort for me to get enthusiastic about anything during the fall. If I was an animal, I'm certain I would be among the hibernating species. Sounds rather nice, really. Hibernation. Mmmmmmm.

I find I'm struggling to find equilibrium with each day, with each hour of each day as I wade through the never-ending though ever-changing present. I work for nine hours a day, five days a week, forced to manuever through the heightening workplace politics that add a draining emotional factor to the already exhausting physical factor of my job. Then I go home, enjoy fleeting but precious time with Haven and Amy, and then leave to go back to work. The weekends are too short, and do little to counteract the five days on the other side of the scales.

But of course, through all of this, as with all of life, I have little choice. I am forced to push through the present, fighting for an ideal future that is less in my control than out of my control. My body and mind are constantly at low ebb, yet I feel guilty since there are so many in the world that are much worse off. I feel weak since I know that my threshold should be much higher, and so I tell myself to quit whining and just do it. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?

Zen quote of the day:
"Why do you so earnestly seek the truth in distant places? Look for delusion and truth in the bottom of your own heart."
~ Ryokan

Apology

For those of you who are angry with me for not updating my blog, emailing, or calling, I honestly have to tell you that I am not sorry at all. I have been extremely busy in the last few weeks what with work, taking care of Haven and Amy, maintaining the apartment, etc. I've been working some overtime at work since Amy and I are a little short on money, so I have little time oustide of work. When I am home from work, my time is usually occupied with taking care of Haven so Amy can rest or do something she needs/wants to do, and the little time that is left besides that is spent pursuing elusive leisure. Frankly, I don't have enough time for anything, much less keeping in touch.

In fact, I haven't had two days off in a row for three weeks now, and I won't again until this coming weekend. I will try to finish my last blog entry (I've been working on one for a while now. Sorry, it's pretty hefty), and I will try to call everybody on my list. If I fail to call you, then that just means you weren't on the list. Just kidding. I will utilize my time as best I know how.

So that is all for today. It's late, I have to get up early tomorrow for a mandatory class at work followed by my usual 3-11:30 shift, so I have to go to bed. I hope you are all able to have some level of admirable patience and understanding. If not, then go soak your head. Good night.

A Blog's Beginning

Hello everyone, and welcome to my blog. As this is my first post, I'm afraid it isn't going to be anything exciting. Besides, what number am I on your blog-reading list? Third? Seventh? Thirty-first? Well, I promise that, in the future, I will do my absolute best to make my blog an entertaining and/or enlightening reading adventure for each and every one of you ignorant fools that got sucked into reading yet another of these online rant pages. Of course, I make no promises, so no bitching about my shitty blog on your blog, unless if you desire to start a digital war between us that may see no end. Beware. *chuckle*

Anyway, if I remember correctly, it is Thursday, July ... 6th? Yes, I realize the date is just a paragraph above this, but I don't get to see that. Aparently, Blogspot.com doesn't think the administrators deserve to know the date. Or perhaps, they assume that, if you don't know the date, you're not the type to keep a blog. At the moment, Haven is on the couch, on her belly, staring at my fabulously flying fingers as I type away at my first ever posting. Swiftly, I grab the laptop and turn my back, giving Haven a suspicious glare while clutching the computer desperately to my chest.

Ah, yes. The update. Haven's first Fourth of July comes and goes, ending in a fantastic rain storm that ended up canceling the fireworks for the night. Amy, Haven and I sat huddled under the world's smallest umbrella for about a half-hour, until a nice family invited us under their little pavilion/tent thing until it let up. Every belonging we took with us got utterly soaked, as did Amy and I (Haven stayed dry and warm in Mommy's arms and a couple blankets), and we didn't even get to see the annual pyro-light show. Poop. They were rescheduled for last night (Wednesday), so Amy and Haven got to go, but poor Daddy had to work (and it was fucking busy, too). Haven apparently was fascinated by the fireworks, and wasn't overly bothered by the noise.

Besides that, Haven weighs in at about 19 lbs. now, and remains in the 95th-97th percantile for height and weight. She's fat, healthy (thank God), happy, and fickle. These days, she's only happy if she's being held by Mommy or Daddy. Flattering to the two of us, but not that flattering to our backs and arms (we're getting pretty damn buff, let me tell you). My life consists of work, taking care of Haven, work, taking care of Amy, work, elusive snippets of leisure, work, the financial burdens of la vie boheme, and work. Amy's life consists of taking care of Haven, modeling from time to time, taking care of Haven, taking care of our bunnies, taking care of Haven, spending time with friends and acquaintances, and taking care of Haven. Last but not lease, Haven's life consists of eating, shitting, eating, pissing, eating, giggling (just in the last week!), eating, saying ba-ba-ba-ba, eating, beating her belly like a drum, and eating. What a little fatso. I love her. *leaning over, Kyle plants a sloppy kiss on Haven's cheek. Haven makes a face, mutters "yoink!" and swipes his glasses off his face to stuff in her drooly mouth* Damn kid. Give 'em back. *Haven laughs, then flings the glasses into the air. They bounce off the coffee table and land with a bump onto the carpet. Kyle picks them up, wipes the drool and dust off the lens onto Haven's dress with a smug grin, and places them back on his face*

So ends my first posting on my first blog. Realizing that reading this was probably considered a waste of your time, please allow me to say that I'm not sorry in the least. I hope that you will continue to waste your fleeting minutes on reading my blog, and I will do my best to post again soon. I wish you all a good day.

Zen Calendar Quote:
"We are caught in an enescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.